The REAL Ryan Hollins Watch #1

10/31 - Memphis Grizzlies vs. Los Angeles Clippers

- Ryan Hollins gets 0 mentions in the pregame show. Why you old ass announcers have to be hating? Chris Paul? Blake Griffin? Yea...I get it. Let me hear about the third string center.

- They did announce the backups...and Hollins got a warm welcome from the crowd.

- Blake Griffin is still weird looking. Fake ass ginger motherfucker.

- 1:30 in...DeAndre Jordan looks like a beast. (30 seconds later again! All six points) Love this cat.

- Grizzlies have lost 11 straight openers? (Need to fact check that shit)

- Jerryd Bayless looks like a bitch. That bald head/chin strap combo never looks good.

- 4:40 left in the 1st HOLLINS ON THE COURT!

- Hollins 1st possession with the Clippers. 1. He hitches up his shorts. 2. He sets a screen on nobody. 3. He gets the ball. 4. Tries to back down on a man much larger than him (Marc Gasol) 5. Drives the lane 6. Throws up a shot into three people. 7. turnover. FUCK!

- Hollins picks up his first foul coming out of the timeout with 3:15 to go in the first. Throws up his hands like he did nothing wrong. He then proceeds to act like he's going to block Bayless and leaves Gasol open for a huge dunk. Nice D Bro.

- Hollins sets a nice screen for Caron Butler for an open jumper and then follows it up with a defensive rebound and a good hustle play on the other end.

- 1:55 left in the 1st Hollins makes his mark as a Clipper with a huge slam! 



- Hollins picks up foul #2 with less than 2 left in the first.

- Hollins leaves his man open again for a jumper. He may block some shots, but he sucks on D so far.

END Q1 Hollins subs out.

"Odom timed it beautifully from behind." Cue Kardashian joke #1

- Hollins doesn't play at all in the second quarter. Memphis ends the half on a 19-3 run. Coincidence?

END HALF

- 17 turnovers at the start of the 3rd. You won't beat the Bobcats with that nonsense.

- DeAndre comes through with a huge slam.

- How many fucking times do you leave Gasol open for an easy jumper? Those Europeans know how to shoot.

- Griffin and Paul have like four points total so far. How much money are you fools making? I could get on the court and hit more than one basket.

-  Hollins checks back in wiht 5:18 left in the 3rd after Jordan picks up a bullshit 4th foul.

- Hollins proceeds to step up with a huge block on Gay. The commentator said that was block number three for the game. I guess I missed one and two.

- Gasol walks around like he doesn't give a fuck about who's posting up with him.

- Hollins picks up foul #3.

- Hollins picks up foul #4 and looks pissed off about it. Hollins is apparently always down to fight.

- Hollins gets called for three seconds. 4:05 left in the third.

-  3:00 left. Gasol absolutely schools Hollins. Grizz on a 9-0 run.

- Hollins picks up his fifth foul on a bullshit call. 

- Hollins subs out.

- Zach Randolph has fucking swagger.

So...Ryan Hollins never comes back in. I'm left hanging. Clippers end up winning the game...and Jamal Crawford is a fucking badass. Clippers win 101-92.

BENCHouncers s	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OREB	DREB	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	+/-	PTS
Ryan Hollins, C	8	1-2	0-0	0-0	1	2	3	0	0	1	1	5	-10	2

So to to recap:

The commentators said he had three blocks that didn't happen. I saw one. He had had a huge slam and three boards and was probably out of position more often than not. Hollins wound up a -10 in game one which sounds about right, but thumbs up for a big slam and one hustle play...so fuck it...you are 1-0 ryan hollins. enjoi.

PS.
WTF Nuggets?

It's so good to see the Lakers go 0-2

IM OUT!.

NBA Opening Night!

Heat/Celtics

- I almost missed the opening tip due to an intense craving for tropical skittles (thanks Kendra). The store didn't have any...so flavor morphing Starburst it is.

- I am practically giddy with excitement.

- How much are you paying Jeff Green? Why is he not a starter?

- Allen tries to go shake everyone's hand on the Celtics bench and gets the cold shoulder from Garnett. No surprise...seems like a dumb "Good Sportsman" kind of move from Allen.

-Norris Cole's flat top is looking nice. Not quite Kid N Play status...but definitely looking good.


- TNT picks up some N-bombs at 8:53 in the 2nd. Was that you Jason Terry? I couldn't tell.

- I fell asleep late in the fourth quarter.

I watched the Lakers/Mavericks too. I suck at blogging. My ADD starts going crazy and before you know it I'm researching California Mission Olives and recipes for work. Some thoughts from the Mavs/Lakers:

- I really...really...really...really want to see Ryan Hollins try and defend Dwight Howard. Hollins has six fouls to give and Howard went 3/14 from the free throw line. Hollins is a savior.

- The Lakers could need a little time to gel, or maybe they just aren't going to. They just flat out didn't look very good. Lots of turnovers and looking to the refs for fouls.

- Meta World Peace looks like he's in amazing shape...but I didn't see him do shit on the court.

- Collison looks like a great fit for the Mavs.

- Vince Carter missed the first four shots I saw him take, but every time I flipped the channel back to the game, he was knocking down shots in the second half.

-  Elton Brand gets clowned on a lot, and I'm still unsure why. He always looks like a solid player to me. He's one of the few Duke guys I've ever had anything good to say about.

Basketball Eve!

The NBA season starts tomorrow, and I feel like little Bryan at Christmas time. Celtics/Heat?! Lakers/Mavericks?! I will be glued to the television tomorrow night. I've listened to a ton of predictions about the upcoming season. A few thoughts:

1. Lebron James is going to be a beast again this year.
2. I love the Harden trade for OKC. If he was grumbling about playing time as much as it sounds like, he could have turned into a cancer during this season. Also, I kill it with Jeremy Lamb in NBA2k13...and we all know how great of a predictor video games are for real life.
3. Chemistry is the only thing keeping the Lakers from winning the West.
4. The Nuggets are going to kill it.
5. Steve Blake sucks at basketball
6. Heat over the Thunder 2.0

Ryan Hollins and the Clippers kick off the season Wednesday against Memphis.  It's crazy, but this article makes no mention of Hollins ability to stand in the wrong spot on the court.

I hate Charlie Villanueva. This whole blog could be called Fuck Charlie Villanueva as far as I'm concerned. It is hilarious to see him try and fight someone. 

Ryan Hollins Watch #3

So, I believe I managed to operate the Tivo correctly tonight to record the Clippers final preseason game vs the Nuggets, but you know what? It's the fucking preseason and I don't really want to analyze a preseason basketball game at one in the morning after working a fourteen hour shift. I'm sorry if this makes me a terrible blogger. I'm going to post a lazy post, drink my sake and watch some shitty John Carpenter movie on Netflix while I fall asleep. It sounds slightly more entertaining than trying to figure out why Ryan fucking Hollins can't box out a dude six inches shorter than him on several different occasions within the same quarter of basketball.

So the recap: Ryan Hollins managed to foul out of a game while only playing seventeen minutes. The fool drew six fouls in seventeen minutes of work. The five points were cool, as were the three rebounds you could surprisingly muster and shit...and WOW! four blocks in that time span is incredible. But six fouls? Against fools like Timothy Mozgov and Javale McGee? Seriously Ryan...what the fuck? You had to go all hack-a-shaq on Kosta Koufos? I may have to consult the tape to see how this happened.

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OREB	DREB	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	+/-	PTS
Ryan Hollins, C	18	2-5	0-0	1-1	0	3	3	0	1	4	0	6	+12	5

One thing I've noticed after closely paying attention to box scores for three games, the Clippers +/- when Hollins is on the floor is fucking incredible. DeAndre Jordan better start being afraid. Fuck his superior athletic ability and somewhat proven mediocre track record. Hollins will lead this Clippers team to the promised land.

Twitter land reacts to Ryan's amazing performance.

Benjamin Hochman ‏@nuggetsnews

The Clippers' Ryan Hollins, Mr. All-Star Weekend 2008, just fouled out of this game. In 18 minutes.

Jerry Zgoda ‏@JerryZgoda

For those out there already willing to give up on DWill: Gerald Green & Ryan Hollins development should tell you that you're crazy

Fuck...that's all you people are giving me? I can't believe two people actually watched this game.

My next post is going to be about an actual game...a real live NBA regular season game. Thank fucking god.

Ryan Hollins Watch #2

So, I now have access to a Tivo thanks to my roommate. I apparently need more instructions on how to use it. I set it to record tonight's Lakers/Clippers game, and it says it recorded it, but for some reason will only play 24 minutes of "The Association," even though it says it's playing the game. There is a replay on tomorrow morning, and I may or may not get around to actual analysis, since it's preseason and I work so damn much, I can't imagine getting around to recapping it before it becomes irrelevant. Their final game is tomorrow against my beloved Denver Nuggets, so I will try this all over again. I can't wait to see Ryan Hollins "Mozgov" Timothy Mozgov. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look here.

At any rate...some notes without seeing the game.

Clippers win 97-91 and Eric Bledsoe is in beast mode...BUT, it is preseason.

Hollins gets a nod in the SI recap: "Former UCLA player Ryan Hollins made consecutive baskets, extending the Clippers' lead to 95-88."

Common and Terrell Owens were in attendance to watch Hollins rack up 5 fouls in just 25 minutes of work.

BENCH	MIN	FGM-A	3PM-A	FTM-A	OREB	DREB	REB	AST	STL	BLK	TO	PF	+/-	PTS
Ryan Hollins, C	26	4-7	0-0	3-3	2	3	5	2	1	0	0	5	+17	11

Hollins goes for 11 and 5 in 26 minutes...and has a decent +/- of +17. Good show old man.

Lakers blogs apparently share my love for Hollins:

Lakers Nation ‏@LakersNation

"Ryan Hollins has dunked it twice. Time to go home. The world is ending. Say goodbye to your mother."

Some other twitter gems regarding #15:

Silver Screen & Roll ‏@LakersBlog_SSR

Ryan Hollins "arguably the best pick and roll center defensively in the league." This is too funny

Zach Harper ‏@talkhoops

I love Ralph Lawler. I really do. But he can't go around saying Ryan Hollins is a really good player.

Darius Soriano ‏@forumbluegold

Oh man, Don MacLean. Did you just call Ryan Hollins a good player?

Finally, he doesn't even play for Boston anymore, and they are still clowning on him:

CelticsLife.com ‏@CelticsLife

Ryan Hollins called one of the best pick and roll defenders in the league by Clippers commentator http://bit.ly/XjG75z  (New Post)

Ryan Hollins Watch #1

This will be the start of an attempt to track the season of one Ryan Hollins. Why Ryan Hollins? I'm still not entirely sure, but I know every time he stepped onto the court for the Boston Celtics in the 2012 NBA playoffs, I watched him closer than anybody else on the floor. I don't remember another NBA player moving as awkwardly as Hollins does. I certainly have never seen a professional basketball player manage to be out of position during every single play his team runs. I recently moved to Los Angeles and vowed to become an LA Clippers fan. By some act of God, they signed Ryan Hollins to a one year deal six weeks after I arrived.  I'm going to spend the entire NBA season tracking, and possibly harassing Ryan Hollins. This is not mean-spirited in any way. Ryan Hollins is my favorite player in the NBA.



Highlights of the Clippers beating down the Warriors 88-71 in their final preseason game. Nice slam by Hollins @ 0:49

I did Tivo part of this game. I picked it up with 10:00 left in the 2nd quarter. My observations:

I'm convinced that Ronnie Turiaf is wearing a hairpiece, and it was made from the braids Ryan Hollins sported during his UCLA days. See for yourself.


If this game is any indication, Hollins is terrible at crashing the boards.

9:10 left in the 2nd. Hollins with a huge dunk. I can't believe Jordan Crawford actually knows how to pass. Then on the very next play we go Crawford to Hollins for a sweet fast break alley-oop. The Crawford/Hollins connection on the 2nd team is going to be insane.

8:25 left in the 2nd. Hollins leaves Carl Landry wide open for an easy jumper.

7:15 left in the 2nd. Crawford is so excited about the new connection he tries to force a pass to Hollins and tags Carl Landry in the back of the head.

6:01 left in the 2nd. Hollins takes a charge from Richard Jefferson like a boss. Jefferson stomps his feet like a child.

2:29 left in the 3rd. Hollins is back picking up a foul on Carl Landry.

1:18 left in the 3rd. Hollins pleads for a goaltend after Richard Jefferson holds him during a shot attempt. Makes two free throws.

11:34 left in the game. Damn, what an ugly jump hook.

11:16  left in the game. Hollins knocks down two more free throws while the commentators praise his shot blocking ability.

10:36 left in the game. Point guard Hollins bounces the ball off his leg trying to drive to the hole.

9:28 left in the game. Seriously, Hollins is a terrible rebounder.

9:06 left in the game. Hollins gets worked by some dude named Festus Ezeli,

I got bored with 8:00 to go in the game and turned it off...because it's a preseason blowout against the Golden State Warriors.

This post game interview is phenomenal and furthers my theory that DeAndre Jordan is the funniest dude in the NBA.

Ryan Hollins Watch #1

Bench	Min	FG	3Pt	FT	+/-	Off	Reb	Ast	TO	Stl	BS	BA	PF	Pts
R. Hollins(notes)	20:17	3-5	0-0	4-4	+7	4	7	0	1	1	3	1	2	10

# of Ryan Hollins sightings in the highlights: 1
# of times Ryan Hollins was shown out of position: 6

10 and 7 in 20 minutes with 3 blocks. I'll take it.

In other News:

Gangum style was funny once. Seriously...stop this shit.

Walking Dead Season 3. Ep 2.. I really only watch this show for the zombie killing. And there has been a lot of it in the first two episodes of Season 3.

Dwight Howard is Carl Winslow

This came via Jordan Hill's twitter. I could see the resemblance if his moustache were a little thicker. Family Matters mostly brings back memories of 90's hot Laura Winslow. Steve Urkel had it right.



While we are on the subject of sitcoms, is it just me of does Balki Bartokomous look like he should play  for the San Antonio Spurs?


Perhaps the next post will be the NBA/sitcom comparisons.